um, yeah

Apparently I only blog once a month now. I am restless. Minneapolis keeps getting smaller. It has gotten to the point where I can't go anywhere without seeing someone I know. Sometimes that's cool, but sometimes I thirst for that feeling where you are completely anonymous and can be any kind of person you want to be for the night. My goal now is to financially stabilize myself and make myself job market ready within the next two years so I can move away and leave all these fools behind.

I am bored. I am surrounded by friends, but the ones I feel most understand me are not even here. I am restless. I am not unhappy, but I am not happy or content either. I'm just here. Sometimes that's enough for me, but sometimes it's definitely not. Especially when I'm going to bed and have too much time to think about things. It makes me miss smoking pot, because then I would only think for a little bit and fall asleep quickly thereafter. I'm usually able to find joy in the little things and I still do, but it's not enough to offset the blahness.

I've often said that laughter is one of my #1 priorities. And I laugh a lot, I do, but there are very few people that can make me laugh that laugh where tears stream down my face or where you really feel it in your gut. I wish those people were all around me. Some of them are, but def not all. And some that do will be leaving soon. I'm sick of fake laughing. I'm sick of laughing so I feel like I'm happy. I'm sick of having to laugh so friends feel like we're having fun when we go out together. I'm sick of feeling like I'm boring because I don't go out as much anymore but sick of going out and not having fun.

I keep having this ridiculous thought that if I had a boyfriend maybe things would be better since I'm over being a little bit out of control single. But I don't even want a boyfriend. I think about how much time would have to be devoted to him and I'd rather devote it to myself. I've realized that I've often turned friends into replacement boyfriends going through all the same phases of the relationship that I would with a boy except at the end of it when I'm sick of them I can't dump them, because it doesn't work like that with friends. But what if you were friends just born of circumstances and those circumstances have changed? What if you were friends that always had fun in a certain situation and that situation doesn't exist anymore? What if you can't help but continue to be a good friend to that friend but it feels all fakey and ridiculous now. Now it kind of feels like what I sometimes do to boys that I had crushes on and lured in but then realized I didn't actually really like them just crushed on them and now I need to push them away yet I keep saying things that make them like me more which is the exact opposite of what I should be doing and I'm not sure why I'm still being so nice except that I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings because I'm the one that dragged them into this to begin with. And sometimes it just becomes habit to do and say nice things or mention things to them you know they'll like.

I think I've overdosed on people in general. And am slightly lonely at the same time. And a little bit bored. This is probably a sign I need to make some art. I should just detach myself from the world besides work and just enough contact with family and friends to stay in touch, but a little introspective art making would probably help me with all this crazy I'm feeling. Cuz I am feeling just a little too much for my liking right now. Winter is also making me stir-crazy. I miss being outside and actually enjoying it. I miss having my windows down when I'm driving. I miss sitting outside with a cocktail and a good conversation. It's been speculated that I have seasonal depression... possibly true. It's been proven that I can very easily overdose on people. It's been proven that too little art in my life makes me antsy. I probably need to exercise more. I hate my hair.

On a happier note, here are some things I love:

I love Kings of Leon now that i finally bought an album.
I love red wine.
I love my kittens and their cute little paws and vibrating purr.
I love my iphone.
I love my family.

I guess I'm just trying to keep it real and everything has felt a little too surreal for me lately. I'll work it out, I always do.