Wednesday, June 17, 2009

sweet sweet summer, how i <3 u

And in a radical attitude change from March, June comes busting in full of sunshine, laughter, cold beer, and shaking of my boo-tay. I obviously haven't been updating much. I will try to do better. ~~^^

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

um, yeah

Apparently I only blog once a month now. I am restless. Minneapolis keeps getting smaller. It has gotten to the point where I can't go anywhere without seeing someone I know. Sometimes that's cool, but sometimes I thirst for that feeling where you are completely anonymous and can be any kind of person you want to be for the night. My goal now is to financially stabilize myself and make myself job market ready within the next two years so I can move away and leave all these fools behind.

I am bored. I am surrounded by friends, but the ones I feel most understand me are not even here. I am restless. I am not unhappy, but I am not happy or content either. I'm just here. Sometimes that's enough for me, but sometimes it's definitely not. Especially when I'm going to bed and have too much time to think about things. It makes me miss smoking pot, because then I would only think for a little bit and fall asleep quickly thereafter. I'm usually able to find joy in the little things and I still do, but it's not enough to offset the blahness.

I've often said that laughter is one of my #1 priorities. And I laugh a lot, I do, but there are very few people that can make me laugh that laugh where tears stream down my face or where you really feel it in your gut. I wish those people were all around me. Some of them are, but def not all. And some that do will be leaving soon. I'm sick of fake laughing. I'm sick of laughing so I feel like I'm happy. I'm sick of having to laugh so friends feel like we're having fun when we go out together. I'm sick of feeling like I'm boring because I don't go out as much anymore but sick of going out and not having fun.

I keep having this ridiculous thought that if I had a boyfriend maybe things would be better since I'm over being a little bit out of control single. But I don't even want a boyfriend. I think about how much time would have to be devoted to him and I'd rather devote it to myself. I've realized that I've often turned friends into replacement boyfriends going through all the same phases of the relationship that I would with a boy except at the end of it when I'm sick of them I can't dump them, because it doesn't work like that with friends. But what if you were friends just born of circumstances and those circumstances have changed? What if you were friends that always had fun in a certain situation and that situation doesn't exist anymore? What if you can't help but continue to be a good friend to that friend but it feels all fakey and ridiculous now. Now it kind of feels like what I sometimes do to boys that I had crushes on and lured in but then realized I didn't actually really like them just crushed on them and now I need to push them away yet I keep saying things that make them like me more which is the exact opposite of what I should be doing and I'm not sure why I'm still being so nice except that I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings because I'm the one that dragged them into this to begin with. And sometimes it just becomes habit to do and say nice things or mention things to them you know they'll like.

I think I've overdosed on people in general. And am slightly lonely at the same time. And a little bit bored. This is probably a sign I need to make some art. I should just detach myself from the world besides work and just enough contact with family and friends to stay in touch, but a little introspective art making would probably help me with all this crazy I'm feeling. Cuz I am feeling just a little too much for my liking right now. Winter is also making me stir-crazy. I miss being outside and actually enjoying it. I miss having my windows down when I'm driving. I miss sitting outside with a cocktail and a good conversation. It's been speculated that I have seasonal depression... possibly true. It's been proven that I can very easily overdose on people. It's been proven that too little art in my life makes me antsy. I probably need to exercise more. I hate my hair.

On a happier note, here are some things I love:

I love Kings of Leon now that i finally bought an album.
I love red wine.
I love my kittens and their cute little paws and vibrating purr.
I love my iphone.
I love my family.

I guess I'm just trying to keep it real and everything has felt a little too surreal for me lately. I'll work it out, I always do.

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

job hair feb snoop

Today my job actually went by pretty fast. I think it helped to eat lunch earlier, because then I wasn't counting the minutes until I could put the gurgling hunger pains to rest, because I had been eating really late, like not til 2 or 2:30! Which is especially late for a girl that only drinks coffee for breakfast. I also think I will have 4 move ins for February, which will be an extra $200+ buckeroos para mi. Thank god, lord knows I need it. I hate how fast the time flies by when I get home from work too. Eat some food, watch a tv show, drink some wine, check the email/blogs/facebook/etc. and all of a sudden it's 10pm and I need to be to bed by 12 if I don't want to die in the morning. Basically I get 5 hours of free time after work, and it just doesn't seem like enough to get everything done.

I also really need to get my hair colored/cut, but I also am trying to grow it out and wish I could afford some extensions so I don't have to wait for it to grow. And color doesn't fade out of extensions either :P. Bah.

Things I'm happy about for the month of February: my bff Leah moves into my apartment building 2 doors down from me (SO EXCITING, you don't even know... it will be like having a roommate without having to have a roommate), Chris Koza concert on <3 day, the return of Heroes, and having like 5 good books to read.

Also, I didn't watch the Superbowl. Drop it like it's hot.

Sunday, January 25, 2009

long time no blog

I have reverted to my previous blog habits... as in I haven't blogged in forever. But here I am, I'm back kids! And I have a gi-normous update for you. I should be showering right now, because I'm about to go out to lunch with the Mikey Mike, but I just don't feel like it. So I will be dirty for lunch. It will be ok. My hands are clean ;) So where did I leave off? Ahh, in December. So here are the major events that have happened since then:

December 23rd: Sister Robyn finally returned from her travels! Very very very exciting to have her back. Needless to say I missed her, and I am glad she is here :)

The Holidays: Basically they kicked my ass. With all the hoopla of the sister being back in town, and then her boy being here, and then the family events & holidays I got wiped out and exhausted, which leads into New Years.

New Years Eve: I managed to get NYE and day off from Azia. Not sure how. But after December holidays I was not in a good place and it was not my best New Years. It started off really fun, but ended in annoyance and me feeling like I never wanted to be around people again ever. So for the first week in Jan. I took a people break.

And the latest news in January? I got a day job! I am now a 'leasing consultant' for 'Crossroads at Penn' apartments in Richfield. I just finished my first week. It seems like it will be a good thing, but the waking up early thing is destroying me. Also, I was sick all week and ODed on cold meds and am just now beginning to feel like a normal person again. Boo. Also, I turned 25 on January 19th. I had my quarter century crisis way back in October though so it was all good. The only thing that kind of sucked was I was sick for the celebrations.

So that is what's new with me. Sorry this was not told in a very interesting manner, but I am out of practice! I think what happened is that I've just started texting Leah all my random thoughts instead of blogging about them. Oh yeah, also, I got an iphone and I am addicted to it. <3 <3 <3 Peace, love, & kittens :)

Thursday, December 18, 2008

dream a little dream of me

Lately I have been having so many dreams. Really vivid, I think they're actually happening dreams. But then I'll wake up and I'll only remember them for the fleeting few moments of time between sleep and wakefulness, then they'll be gone. Only the feelings I had while dreaming linger. So for the past week I've woken up feeling extremely happy, satisfied, in love, but then sometimes extremely sad, depressed, and insufficient. It's awesome when I am dreaming a happy dream, but not so great when I wake up sad. Sometimes it's hard to shake the feeling off. Anyway, 2008 is winding down. Sister Robyn gets home on the 22nd, super excited! Glad I will get to finish off the year with her :) That's all for now. <3

Sunday, December 7, 2008

i hate comcast

Omg. My cable and internet are messed up. Again. For those of you that are not aware, I have had a series of technical problems ever since returning from Colorado. First my internet was out plus my battery had basically blown up or something. Then my hard drive basically crashed. Got that fixed, but then had to reload all of my stuff on which took forever since I had to find where all my old discs went, etc. My internet had been spotty since then and it is now apparently not working again. So stay tuned for actual updates, but it's hard when your computer & internet aren't working :P